Long may I run, but don't mind me because I have no mind. Wait, what?

So one day, while running with Tyler and Osty my buddies and resident shit disturbers through the Assiniboine forest, we were talking about how annoying this training cycle has been. I think I waxed annoyance enough of how awful this winter has been which in turn made it difficult to motivate our lazy assess into running. I mean it was cool at first being all macho (do people still use that word?) telling people who would listen how you ran out in -40C weather but in reality you're thinking to yourself...

Why the hell am I doing this?
Wouldn't it be better to be in the warm bed?
How come I have to pee again?

As we were running along at a 5:40 pace, which used to be tempo pacing to us just a couple of months ago, we talked about with this tough winter, it was hard to get in a run where we actually felt 'good.' Good in the sense where we didn't have to worry about layering or how your eye lashes are frozen together, or how the first couple of kilometers you can't feel your toes. Which in turn might make this Fargo marathon a bit of a wash personal best-wise. I was telling Tyler and Osty how I was having a hard time focusing or keeping myself motivated.

Then Tyler pipes in..."But Ruben, you've always looked so focused...you're all about the zen..." And I started chuckling inside thinking, if he only knew the storm of thoughts and emotions that are constantly swirling through the grey matter. But then I realized, it's the same with everyone. We are constantly holding conversations in our heads. That other 'us' is constantly nattering, or doing a constant play by play, the never ending self critiquing pundit of our ego, adding white noise in our heads. Holy shit, dude...you almost ran into that damn tree...

Tyler is right in the sense that I try my best to always look focused as I do spend some time meditating. That act of sitting down, closing my eyes and being mindful of breath does help calm all the voices and noise in my head. I only spend 10 minutes...at least I think I do...I don't really time it and I should but sitting down trying to clear the mind is an exhaustive exercise in itself. I've been practicing meditation since I was a teen and I've read books on Buddhism and meditation, but I don't think I've ever found enlightenment and I don't possess any esoteric knowledge of the practice.

Quite frankly, my mind is constantly saying something, it was so frustrating at first I didn't think I was doing it right. But after awhile and I think this was that enlightened point I reached...one day while sitting down meditating, pictures would constantly pop up. Just random pictures and with the pictures, thoughts. And I would get frustrated and bring myself back to my center by being mindful of breath. But them damn pictures kept popping up in my mind....and listening to my breathing helped but then I remembered something I read. I think it was by Richard Bach the guy who wrote Bridge Across Forever or his more famous work Jonathon Livingston Seagull but I could be wrong. But it was this phrase "Patience is practiced in the moment." And suddenly there was quiet...I opened my eyes and I felt good. I don't think I reached a dharma point where I became one with the universe...but I just stopped beating up myself for thinking. I learned that there will always be that inner noise in your head, that ego constantly berating you for trying to live up to an image you think you should impress upon the world. But just being patient with yourself and going back to being mindful of breath can help bring you back to center.

My daughter's Madeline and Mackenzie made this along the sea wall at Winnipeg Beach in the summer of 2011.

With running, there is ALWAYS that voice in your head that is telling you to stop, you're exhausted, why are your legs still moving? And at first it may start talking at the 1km mark, but running consistently a couple of times a week, quiets that voice and you may not hear it until the 5km, 10km , 20km, 100km marks. It just takes practice, like everything else in your life, we get better with practice and suddenly when you're running long mileage or lifting heavy or painting masterpieces or writing blogs...those voices become your cheering section willing you to go!

My CPR clinic is in week 10 and the Fargo marathon is on May 10. So we have a couple of more weeks of heavy mileage then the taper. Which brings a shitload of its own stresses and worries, which I will write about in another post.

I honestly don't know how to caption this. And not that there is anything wrong with it...